Dear Grandma,

Dear Grandma, I am growing old. I understood this because I recently cried in frustration. It wasn’t necessarily tears of pain or sadness, just helplessness. I wanted more than anything to pause… moments to stand still. I kept running so that I could keep up with the sun but it darted too quickly below the hill. Now I am running in the dark…again. I guess I feel old because now I realise I continue to play the same old game. My ball of wool is only behind the chair; my kitten paws have realised there is no magic besides that of my owners arm maliciously toying with my youth.

Oh please would you stop being a brute and just let me have the damn thing already?

Alas, life is not as easy as a kitten playing with a spool of wool, but it like you have taught me many things about myself that I will not numerate here. While my head banged and clambered with names dates and fictions of a person I do not know who I am meant to be, I finally had enough, and with good timing because my degree was over. The marathon finished. My muscles are sore and my jaw aches from the numerous moments of small talk, the countless days of repeating the mantra, be better, pursue your future, be the change you want to see in the world. It’s really all so heavy, surely Atlas did not feel nearly as much pressure as a young man trying to set out his course from his youth? There is too much pressed into me, I won’t point fingers because it comes from all places at once, from myself most of all.

That is why I decided to go for a walk. 

It’s a rather long walk, a little over 800 kilometres or so, but not nearly as audacious as others. I read somewhere that as a medieval pilgrimage it is not nearly as pretentious as the pilgrimages to Rome or Jerusalem where the journey really is about the destination. No…as I gather the way to Santiago de Compostela is all about the walk, the people you meet, and the moments you have to reflect, maybe some form of spiritual transcendence…I am yet to believe. I am not a medieval pilgrim nor do I feel all that religious. That being said, I wanted to embark on a walk because the joy of walking is you can only go as fast as your own two feet; you are limited by yourself, but my how much freedom that gives you!

You mentioned before I left you last that you wanted me to start a blog to keep you updated on my life, my comings and goings and everything in between. I am notoriously terrible at keeping in touch with anyone, it does not mean I do not love you, nor do I not wish to see you; it just means I am still diligently playing the same game of chasing after the sun. Hoping to find one more drop of existence to settle my belly on a cold night. I will attempt to keep this blog updated as thoughtfully as I can, I know I will have a lot of time each day to muse over each post and I sincerely hope you enjoy it.

All the best grandma, and you know, you are getting younger by the minute!

With love from Coltrane